Need help getting things going when you’re trying to enjoy some alone time? You’re not alone. Whether it’s stress, distractions or simply some technique issues, many women struggle to really enjoy solo sex. That’s why Chantelle Otten, a leading sexologist, is here to help with some much needed tips…
Embrace the joy of masturbation by getting curious about your body. Let’s keep an open mind around our bodies and our pleasure, we might not know how great something can feel until we give it a go in the privacy of our own home.
Curiosity brought you to this article! Curiosity around enhancing your self pleasure practice or about trying something new. We can have fear and anticipation around something new, that is totally normal. And sometimes we might try something that doesn’t fit right for us, and that’s okay! Our bodies are normal, pleasure is normal for women (no matter what we might have been told), so let’s get to it!
#2. Learn about your vulva
Firstly I recommend looking at the Labia Library anatomy diagram to learn about what your vulva is made up of, so you know where to find the right spots. The best location to know well is the clitoris. The clitoris has 8000 nerve endings designed purely for pleasure. Pop some lube on your finger and stroke your clitoris using different patterns, such as the figure 8 pattern, or other repetitive movements. While stroking, ask yourself does this feel good or not? Continue movements that feel pleasurable and if it doesn’t feel amazing – move onto a new stroke!
Masturbation is about pleasure, experiencing erotic pleasure on our own in our own time. Pleasure, not orgasms. Yes, orgasms are great and amazing and all the other words for WOW, but they don’t need to be our end goal. We don’t even really need an end goal, especially if we are just dipping our toe in the masturbation pool. Follow your pleasure throughout your entire body and you might end up orgasming, but let’s not put all the pressure on that!
#4. Take your time
Masturbation, especially female masturbation, can take time, and while many can give themselves a quick orgasm when they feel that erotic itch, it can be great to be active in setting aside time for ourselves. We give ourselves time to work out and be social, we need to give ourselves time to explore our own bodies. This also means maybe not going straight for our genitals, just like with a partner we need foreplay, we need that when we’re alone too!
For women the mind is our largest erogenous zone, so maybe spend some time thinking erotic thoughts or absorbing some erotic content to get us in the mood. Then we can start our physical pleasure, stroking our own bodies all over to ignite that erotic drive. Working our way down our own body, so that by the time we get to our vulva it’s very happy to see (or feel) us! We don’t want to feel rushed or pressured to masturbate quickly and get it out of the way, it shouldn’t be a chore, it should be a reward! Or self-care. Or maybe you’ve just got an hour spare in your day and thought ‘why not?’
#5. Focus on the journey, not the destination
We are so goal orientated when it comes to sexuality. We aim for orgasm and can forget to enjoy the process of sensuality and how our senses are engaged during self-pleasure. So, instead of focusing on orgasming, focus on sensations, pleasure and engaging your senses. You will be much more satisfied because of it.
#6. Change things up: Position
If you’ve been masturbating for a while now and feel like you’re in a bit of a self-loving rut, change it up! I find that for many women they masturbate in the same position and environment every single time. Why? We don’t often have sex in the same position, place and time every time, so why don’t we spice it up for ourselves too? If we are always lying on our back let’s try exploring while sitting up, or on all fours, or standing up or maybe in the shower! Also, if we are a morning masturbator let’s try before bed, or even just an afternoon solo delight session. Let’s keep it interesting, we don’t want to bore ourselves.
#7. Stimulate different erogenous zones
Yes, our clitoris is fun, but what about nipple stimulation, butt play, our inner thighs, belly or chest? Again, it’s about having fun and seeing where we can be creative with our erotic experiences. Change up the stimulation you provide yourself by experimenting with different types of pressure and stimuli (try lightly tickling), you may discover a new zone in your body that you enjoy!
#8. Change it up: Stimuli
There is a definite view that women do not watch pornography or even like pornography but let’s burst that bubble. Many women watch and enjoy watching pornography for some erotic inspiration during masturbation. There is also some great ethical and women centered pornography available that has been specifically designed to arouse women. However, if pornography is something you want to steer away from there are other erotic options to assist our self loving. If you crave some audio stimulation try audio erotica, there can be a huge variety to choose from that lets us have guided fantasies with some great moans. Another great option is erotica, or erotic literature. We might just be thinking of one particularly famous BDSM novel but trust me, there are many more out there in every flavor imaginable. You also don’t need to get whole erotic novels, many sites have collections of short stories to arouse our minds and bodies. Our own fantasies can be amazing, but sometimes it can be exciting to read, listen or watch a new fantasy or something we have been curious about.
#9. Change it up: Location
Take a risk, and change location from your bed, to the shower, kitchen, workplace bathroom. Nothing like a little adrenaline and a new experience to help us feel erotic. I would recommend carrying a small vibrator in your bag, such as this travel clitoral stimulator by Womanizer, which comes with a hygienic case so it won’t get messy in your bag!
#10. Kick shame to the curb
For so many women I speak with there is still so much shame and stigma surrounding women masturbating. Socially we are taught that men masturbating is normal but for women it is unthinkable! But we need to move past these thoughts and embrace the normality of self-pleasure, especially for women. If we are wanting to masturbate but think it’s something dirty or shameful, it’s going to be hard to relax and fully enjoy ourselves. We might be able to just do a bit of research and self-educate ourselves around all the positives of masturbation (and trust me, there are many more than just a fun orgasm).
#11. Toys: Vibrators
Now maybe we have been self loving for a while and our right (or left) hand is doing a fantastic job, but like we mentioned earlier, we may not know our new favorite sensation if we haven’t tried it. So let’s break out the toys! Vibrators are amazing for clitoral stimulation and can produce new sensations. I love a clit massager and believe it should be a staple in every bedroom kit for herself and partnered sex.
#12. Toys: clitoral stimulators
Just as a small bullet vibrator is a great starting point, so are clitoral stimulators. With the option to explore your body on a lower intensity, you can find out where you like pressure and at what level. A damn good clitoral vibrator is the Womanizer PREMIUM (it’s also rechargeable, so say goodbye to batteries). Use this with some lubricant anywhere, anytime… even at work or before a date. It’s the perfecto starter clitoral vibrator.
#13. Toys: Dildos
A dildo is a sex toy that is used internally for stimulating inside the walls of the vagina, which is wonderful if you enjoy that penetrative experience. I would recommend using the dildo on the outside of the vagina and then adding lube and slowly sliding it into the vagina. You can then experiment with thrusting and holding the dildo inside you, using varying vibrations and finding your sweet-spot.
If we are pretty great at loving ourselves to orgasm why not enhance our pleasure with a bit of teasing. Edging is a great way to add anticipation and erotically charged desire to a solo session. You can do it by first noticing when you start to get very close to orgasm, then stopping all sensation before you can reach the point of no return. Once you’ve calmed slightly, start up again. You can bring yourself to the edge countless times until you are desperate for that orgasmic bliss, when you finally let yourself fall over the erotic edge it will feel incredible. It might take some time to work out exactly how far you can push yourself before you can’t stop that orgasm from rolling through, but at least the practice is fun.
For so many people staying in our body and not letting our minds wander during masturbation can be challenging. It takes practice to be able to fully give into our physical sensations and keep our mind focused on what we are feeling, rather than what we should be thinking about. Don’t judge or punish yourself when your mind wanders to the shopping list or work, acknowledge that you are thinking other thoughts and then focus back in on your body. What can your hands feel, what sensations are you experiencing? Sometimes taking some deep breaths can help us focus, or we can just think through exactly what our hands are doing to ourselves and eventually sink back into pleasure. You can also use an app on your phone such as Smiling Mind, which will give you a good framework for pleasure.
#16. Mutual masturbation
If you have a current partner you could also try mutual masturbation or enjoying a toy together! While a partnered activity there is some freedom in knowing you are only touching yourself, this can be great to help show our partners what we like and see how our partners like to be touched. We also get a pretty steamy visual and some great live pleasurable sounds (moans and groans galore!). All you need to do is show your partner how you get yourself off, while they pleasure themselves at the same time.
#17. Music/setting the scene
Just as much as you might prepare the space and yourself for partnered sex, take the time to set the scene for yourself! Get in your sensual zone by playing some tunes. It will get your head in a place to be relaxed, sensual and will distract you from thoughts of ‘to-do’ list and discomfort.
Lube is EVERYTHING. I repeat… EVERYTHING. And there are different types of lube for different functionalities. A good silicone based lube is great for masturbation with fingers alone, but if you are using a toy – a good water based lube is necessary. Lube helps with the sensations and making sure that slide and glide feeling is part of self pleasure.
#19. Mix between clit and penetration
Exciting stuff – dual orgasmic experience! You can either use your fingers to stimulate both your clitoris and internal vagina, or you could use two different types of vibrators. However this can get a little tricky, what I would suggest is investing in one of the best toys I have seen in a long time: Womanizer Duo 2 Rechargeable G-Spot and Clitoral Stimulator which has an internal vibrator and a clitoral stimulator. It is genius! Made of velvet-soft silicone, DUO 2 uses Womanizer’s Pleasure Air technology to stimulate the clitoris with thrilling contactless suction. It’s also waterproof so you can use in shower and bath, for extra special “me time”
#20. Butt stuff
The anus has a lot of titillating nerve endings and is perfect if you want to enhance your stimulation. Using a lubricated finger, feel around the anus and find pleasure spots. You can also slide the finger inside your bottom or use a small butt plug for new sensations. It is a great secondary point of stimulation and can even speed up orgasms
#21. Pre-bating (before dates to calm nerves)
‘Pre-bating’ is basically masturbating specifically to relieve yourself before an event. That ‘event’ could be a date, work, sleep, or anything you might want to chill out before, and keep your mind focused. Sometimes we become so consumed on a date at the thought of having sex, that we forget to enjoy the experience. Pre-bating can ease your mind, release your happy endorphins and make sure you have de-stressed and are ready to carpe diem!