Orgasmic meditation puts the spotlight on the clitoris. Practising this type of meditation is supposed to benefit the sex lives of both women and men enormously. We put it to the test. When I received the invitation for the workshop, the picture in my mind was clear: I imagined deep breathing exercises to stimulate sexuality and saw myself chanting Om for hope of better sex in front of a golden Buddha statue. I could not have been more wrong.
At the workshop, we sit on a white sofa and drink Darjeeling tea with vanilla flavoring. Nothing is reminiscent of meditation, yoga or contemplation. There are neither cushions nor incense sticks and definitely no little Buddha. Instead our trainer Elisa tell us about her first experience with orgasmic meditation, or OM for short. She mentions “London”, “friends” and “a party.” My thoughts drift, until I suddenly hear the word “clitoris.” I am back at full attention and quickly understand what orgasmic meditation really is.
15 Minutes for the Clitoris
During OM the partner touches the woman’s clitoris for 15 minutes. Elisa clarifies, “It is a meditative practice with sexual components.” The partner is called the “Stroker.” The Stroker concentrates solely on the tiny pearl and caresses the upper area with so-called “strokes.” These are really small, gentle movements applied to the clitoris of the woman, or the “Strokee.”
“The orgasm is not the focal point,” explains Elisa, as I begin to grin widely. At “OMen” the journey is the reward. Just like tantra, there is less performance pressure and no measures of success. OM should create a framework within which both partners can explore their connection and their sensitivities. “The Strokee can find a greater connection to her sense of lust and with her own body, in the same way the Stroker can,” says Elisa. With some people, it changes their orgasms, whilst with others it can reduce blockages and trauma. Some explore their emotions and others listen more to their body and its sensations.
Clear rules – secure framework
For this to happen, OM must have very clear ground rules. Firstly, you need to ask, “Would you like to come to OMen with me?” A “no” should be accepted and not taken personally. When it comes to OM, there is a precise process. At the beginning, a neutral discussion of the vulva starts with, “It is pink and rippled on the edges.” Then the Stroker grounds the woman with a gentle grip on her thighs. Then come the strokes. During the 15 minutes, no words are spoken and are instead just felt. Only sentences like “more to the right/left/top/bottom or harder/softer” are allowed. At the end, it’s time to come back down to Earth. A discussion begins and anchors the experience, so that people can exchange thoughts without fear of judgment. Sex does NOT follow. Sounds simple. I’m excited. With Tantra, I like the awareness of your inner self during sex but a tantra massage lasts for 3 hours and is difficult to find time for between kids, a career and home-life. But you can always find 15 minutes. So here you kill three birds with one stone: regular sexual practice with your partner, keeping your sense of lust alive and improving your own sexuality. Jackpot!
That was exactly the goal of Nicole Daedone, who invented OM. In an interview she explained that she wanted to bring mindfulness and sexuality together, just as meditation unites mindfulness and silence, and yoga couples mindfulness and movement. It should be simple and easily implemented. Actually, OM is easier when practised regularly. Elisa says, “It’s like sports. On some days, you’re fantastic and on others, not so much. But after a time there are noticeable changes in your sexuality.” Elisa has practised OM for two years already. She has moved into an apartment with other OM practitioners, where they get started even before breakfast. For us newbies, she has created a list about the things that have changed for her:
- I feel sexy, flirt easily and well
- I know that other people enjoy having sex with me, I’m not insecure about what I am doing and what I like
- I do only what I want to do in a sexual context (okay, maybe only 98% of the time but that’s still more compared to other people)
- I know that I can always have sex, whenever I want. I don’t have any sexual hang-ups. I can also bring my sexual fantasies to life without a problem.
- I only have good sex–I can let go during sex
- I can navigate intense situations and help others with this
- I have a feeling for the “spot”–the button to push for people to connect and sparks to fly–with OM, with sex, with a conversation, with life in general
Men get the sex they’ve always dreamed of
For me as a woman, it sounds very promising but what do men get from OM? Elisa has the answers: “They can expand their own orgasmic sensations, throughout their whole body and no longer just in their penis as the sole sexual organ. They learn to treat women in a way that ensures they will also get the kind of sex that they’ve only ever dreamed of.” With this, you can see how both are connected. Elisa describes it: “If energy flows, both feel it, if one is absent, the other feels it. When a woman opens her hips, it will feel like the man’s shoulder and neck are opening too.”
“It’s simple but not so easy.”
My husband can confirm it that evening. Barely in the house, we built a “nest” and tried our new skills. Lying down and legs spread, it felt a bit strange and unfamiliar at first. However, as he described my vulva, I was filled with happiness. I hardly felt the strokes. On the other hand, my husband felt a lot. “It’s simple but not so easy,” he said. Again and again my thoughts drifted and I had to concentrate – just as in meditation – on “staying present.” At one point it even burned. My husband later says that at exactly that moment he felt a strong connection to me. Elisa explains, “If the clitoris becomes numb, as we often freeze there and store trauma – then it may be that “defrosting” is painful.” She adds that of course, it should not hurt. Maybe, I perceived it in a purely sensory and neutral way. Incidentally, Elisa doesn’t practise OM any more–at least her focus is no longer only on these exercises, but actually now includes teaching others. “Because I have received the aforementioned gifts from OM, because I really have them–with a strong gut feeling and without doubt–I no longer practise anymore.” Until we get to that point, my husband and I must practise a little more, but training has never been so fun…