Men are always in the mood for sex, right?

not in the mood for sex

Men “always being in the mood” is a damaging stereotype. Author Tom Wells explores why and what you can do to rekindle your mojo. 

Men are always in the mood for sex? This stereotype is pervasive. But it’s not only not true, it’s problematic. 

It causes men to think we always have to be ready to perform at the drop of a hat. But not being in the mood for sex is completely normal. There are so many factors such as work stress, depression, lack of fitness and exhaustion that can make sex seem like just another chore. But what can you do if you’re just not in the mood for sex?

Let’s look at some of the main reasons why your sex drive might be lower than normal, and how you can rediscover your sex mood.

What affects your sex mood?

In general, anything that causes stress or negative energy to build up in your body is probably going to affect your sex mood/sex drive. Identifying the cause of your stress is important for being able to combat it. 

At some point one, you have probably experienced one or more of the following: 

  • Work stress — even if you love your job, work can be a source of stress. Working in a pressurized environment and delivering results.
  • Fitness — physical exercise is important because it improves circulation
  • Lack of Sleep — the temptation to binge-watch your favorite Netflix series in bed is high. But it can affect your sleep patterns.
  • Exhaustion/General Tiredness — life can be stressful. Over time this stress can lead you to feel generally tired or even exhausted.
  • Poor diet — too much junk food may not be giving your body the nutrients it needs to run smoothly. 
  • Performance anxiety — society still makes men think that they always have to perform sexually on command. This stereotype is damaging and can lead to performance anxiety.
  • Mental overstimulation/lack of focus — having porn so readily available can lead to a kind of sexual overstimulation in the brain. Too much porn watching can affect your erection quality and even decrease the amount of pleasure you feel during sex. 

These are just some of the factors that can mean you don’t feel in the mood for sex and masturbation.

Fortunately, there are some simple strategies to reduce the effects of these factors. The focus is more on holistic ways to rediscover your sex drive.

1. Try mindfulness practices

Mindfulness is the ability to focus on the present without any distracting thoughts. These practices really help if you feel overstimulated or distracted during sex or masturbation. 

Meditation can help you enjoy sex more because it can increase your ability to shut out distracting thoughts and allow you to be present in the moment. Try committing a small amount of time to meditation every morning. Once you get better at it, you can access this focused and calm state of mind during sex and masturbation.

Yoga is great for sex because it combats multiple sex drive killers at the same time: It improves your core strength, mindfulness and reduces stress levels in the body. 

General exercise is also great so if you’re not into yoga or meditation try these exercises. 

2. Try tantric sex with your partner

All relationships have their ups and downs, and over time perhaps you have felt less in the mood for sex with your partner. One idea for you to try is tantric sex. When most people hear tantric sex, they think of some exotic and complicated sexual practice. But really using yoga and meditative breathing techniques you learn to control your feelings and desires. It’s actually not really more complicated than a yoga class. This type of spiritual sex is also sometimes called soul sex — because practitioners believe you can get more in touch with your sexual soul.

3. Set the mood for sex

 How do you prepare for intimacy? Perhaps you never thought about it that much before, but

getting yourself in the right frame of mind is really important for you to enjoy the sexual experience. This means giving yourself enough time to mentally get into it. Try listening to some relaxing music, eating some of these known aphrodisiacs or even giving each other a sensual massage. However you choose to set the sex mood, take your time and go with the flow.

4. Pass on the porn (at least for a while)

Porn can absolutely be part of a healthy sex life. However, if you feel your sex drive with your partner is decreasing, you should consider a little porn abstinence. Going cold turkey for a little while can help your brain re-engage with real-world pleasure. Give it a try and see if you notice an improvement.

5. Discover sex toys

Whether for solo or partner sex, toys can add a new dimension. They often offer a type of stimulus that you may have never felt before. This makes them new and exciting and can add a little boost to your sex life. For couples looking to increase intimacy, wearable rings such as the Pivot and the Verge by We-Vibe are a great place to start. Vibrations in the ring stimulate the penis and can even lead to improved erection quality. At the same time, the clit is stimulated to increase your partner’s pleasure. This can make climaxing a lot easier and boost couple intimacy.

For solo adventurers, try a prostate massager. You may be a little apprehensive, but the prostate orgasm is longer and more powerful than a typical ejaculation. If you want more pleasure, give it a try. A prostate massager like Vector can help you stimulate the exact right spot and make climaxing easier. 

6. Mix it up a little

Knowing what you really turns you on can help put you in the sex mood. But perhaps you’ve been stuck in the same routine for a while. So try any of the tips above and try and disrupt the status quo of your sex life. If you find yourself a little bored while masturbating, trying a different position can make all the difference. 

Improve your sex mood

Being in the mood for sex is not something we should take for granted. This mood can be greatly affected by the stresses and strains of everyday life, so it’s important to have a few strategies to help put you in the right frame of mind. So make sure to take care of yourself both physically and mentally and great sex will follow. 

Let us know if you have any great tips of your own for rediscovering your sexual mojo!

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Tom has written about pretty much everything from robots taking over the world to prisons in Bolivia. Now, he is turning his attention to the wonderful world of sex in all its guises. Through his writing, he aims to create an open-minded dialogue on topics such as sex positivity, sexual identity, and the ever-changing notion of masculinity.