Embracing singledom and and enjoying a “ho phase” is a great way to connect with yourself sexually – in an authentic and honest way. Our author Nadia Bokody discusses why playing the field can actually be an important opportunity for growth…
Some people get confused when I talk about having a ‘ho phase’.
The looks on their faces suggest they think I’m either speaking literally, and recommending they get themselves down to the hardware store to purchase an actual gardening hoe, or that they’ve misheard me. During a recent interview, the podcast host asked me, “Did you just say you had a hoe face? What’s a hoe face?’
So, in the interest of preventing further confusion, I’m going to first explain exactly what I mean by a ‘ho phase’. (Yes phase, not face!)
Sometimes referred to as a ‘slutty phase’ or a ‘sex spree’ a ho phase is simply a period in a single lady’s life in which she gives herself permission to unleash her inner ho, and have a bunch of guilt-free casual sex.
On the face of it, this might seem awfully inconsequential – superficial, even. But for any woman who’s ever undergone her own inner ho emancipation, it’s about much, much more than asking your Tinder matches if they’re DTF (that’s ‘Down To F*ck’, for the non-millennials).
I had more freeing, adventurous sex in hotel rooms with strangers as a Tinder slut than I ever did during my seven-year marriage.
Here’s the thing no one acknowledges about anonymous one-night-stands: They’re gloriously cathartic.
Even a disappointing one-night-stand can bring about immense sexual empowerment. This is largely due to the fact it’s anonymous (you don’t care what someone whose name you won’t remember tomorrow thinks of you, and so can be your most authentic sexual self) and that it only lasts for one night (should anything mildly mortifying occur, you’ll never see them again anyway).
It was through my own ho phase, I learned to ask for what I wanted in bed, and to prioritise my own orgasms – something I’d been too anxious to do, for fear of how it may make me look, in my own marriage.
I had more freeing, adventurous sex in hotel rooms with strangers as a Tinder slut than I ever did during my seven-year marriage. Not because my ex-husband wasn’t an attentive lover (he was), but because I’d never allowed myself to be truly real with him, while I was putting all my energy into acting like a ‘wife’.
While I didn’t have a lot of amazing sex as a ho (most of it was over quickly), I learnt a huge amount about my sexuality through the process of having it. I began telling me lovers to use toys on me, to give me oral, and focus on my pleasure, and I stepped into my power as a sexually vibrant, newly single woman.
Now back in a relationship years later, the lessons gleaned from my ho phase have made an immeasurable positive impact on my sex life with my boyfriend. I know what I need, and I ask for it, with confidence. Consequently I’m having the best sex of my life.
And so can you. All you need is a little ‘ho phase’ (not face).