Not in the mood for sex? These can be the reasons for a weak libido

sex drive o-diaries

Sex is part of a fulfilled life just like sufficient sleep and food – at least according to popular opinion. But this can make you all the more nervous if your appetite for the nicest thing in the world suddenly disappears and your libido seems to have fallen into a kind of hibernation. Especially, if you suddenly prefer a million other things to do than to mess up the sheets with your partner. Help, where did my sex drive please go? First take a deep breath, phases like this happen and in most cases, there is no need to worry.

We all know the feeling: At the beginning of a new relationship, you want to tear off each other’s clothes non-stop and your mind runs on an endless loop of dirty movies with you and your new partner in the lead roles. The fact that this initial euphoria eventually wears off in a long-term relationship is completely normal. But if it suddenly comes to an abrupt standstill in the bedroom, this may have different causes. The good news: It’s usually relatively easy to fix.

If you do not feel like having sex anymore, a common cause is that you are currently uncomfortable in your own skin. Anyone who is fighting a few (supposedly) superfluous pounds, or feels tired and stressed, probably has little desire to seduce their partner. In general, stress is considered the erotic killer par excellence – no matter if it is professional or emotional stress. 

For example, prolonged stress can lead to an acute sex lull with a loved one, because those who argue about socks lying around all day find each other more annoying than sexy. Speaking of sexy, just because you found your partner sexy while getting to know each other, this does not necessarily mean it will stay that way after a few years of being in a relationship. If the outdoor junkie, with whom you fell in love, mutates into a lazy couch potato – a lack of desire might be understandable. Of course, beyond all emotional causes, there are also physical ones that can lead to a weak libido. Certain drugs, hormone fluctuations or an unhealthy lifestyle (hint: too much alcohol) all can slow down your sex drive.

Tips for a stronger sex drive

First of all, there is no obligation for regular sex. Sex should be fun and absolutely voluntary. Please do not put yourself under pressure, if you just rarely want to have sex – and do not let anyone else put pressure on you. However, if you want to help your libido get fired up again, here are some tips for you:

  • Research the root cause: Are you tired, stressed, sad or have you been feeling ill lately? Anyone who wants to find out the reasons for their weaker libido should take the time to take stock of the situation. If you know the causes, you can actively remedy them.
  • Cards on the table: As with all other “relationship problems”, you should talk openly with your partner and explain that you just do not feel like having sex at the moment. Failure to do so can lead to big misunderstandings and can hurt each other.
  • Self-love: Regular masturbation, helps you get to know your own body and desires better, but according to studies it also makes you feel more comfortable in your own skin. The perfect prerequisite for exciting hours with your partner …
  • Exercise for the libido: Regular activity rewards you with an extra dose of dopamine and that can make you want to do some exercises of a more intimate kind. Also, oxygen enters the brain during sport, which stimulates circulation in all parts of the body.
  • A bit of distance does not hurt: even in a close relationship, privacy should not be completely lost, because a little distance ensures that the mutual attraction remains. For example, keep the toilet door closed before too much intimacy becomes a bad thing.

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What to do when your partner doesn’t want to have sex anymore?

So far, we only looked at your own lack of sexual appetite, but it can happen, of course, that your partner does not want sex. How should you best handle this? Step one: Please do not take it personally if your partner does not feel like having sex. Granted, it sounds easier than it is, but just as you could have a low sex drive for a variety of emotional and physical reasons, your partner is no different. Talk about it, so you can learn together what the problem is. Sometimes it’s enough to be inspired, for example, by a hot movie or to go sex toy shopping together.

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A few years ago, Julia Heyne moved to Berlin. Not because of love, but to deal with love on a daily basis. She headed the erotic department at for seven years and because that wasn't enough love, lust and passion, she wrote a book about online dating in 2016. Today she has renounced online dating, but continues to write for O*Diaries about the most beautiful minor matter in the world. In her spare time, she also enjoys unromantic things like mountaineering, reading and ghostwriting for various book projects.